Ten Steps to Becoming a Notable Expert in an Anything
It seems almost impossible to get noticed these days. There is no space anymore to be the next viral sensation on Youtube, a famous blogosphere celebrity, or a heavily quoted social media guru. How is anyone able to grab the attention of the fickle Interwebs and garner much deserved recognition?
Well, I am here to tell you that climbing the ladder of fame and notoriety can be done by anyone, even you! Plus, you do not even have to embarrass yourself by doing a reality TV show like Big Brother or The Apprentice or the Silicon Valley on Bravo TV. With these ten simple steps, you will be on your way to getting Internet famous in no time*!
- This is the most important point, you absolutely, positively cannot have any prior record of accomplishment. Do not start a successful business, or any business for that matter. Do not achieve a post-graduate degree, and in fact, dropping out of undergrad is a plus. And if you can at all help it, do not have a record of employment.
- You must take an extreme position on a topic. This is not the time to be shy or a Pollyanna about things, you need to shoot for the moon and really push the boundaries of credibility and creativity. Only by supporting an outlandish and contrary viewpoint can you make yourself stand out from the crowd.
- Do not waver or question for a second your position. This is the keystone to your successful ascent to the top and becoming a trending topic on Twitter. You have to make people truly believe you are crazily obsessive and not just doing this for show.
- Do not rely on published or verified facts. Your biggest enemy is not rational people with thoughtful opinions, it is facts. Therefore you should rely upon completely fallacious data and incomprehensible logic as the basis of your views. Some good sources for inspiration include hearsay taken as evidence from dubious individuals, exceptional examples taken out of context, cult literature, and political ads.
- Get an agent. While this might seem like putting the cart before the horse, getting an agent early on can actually bolster your chances of getting gigs early on when you are still a nobody. For example, Fox News will take any crackpot and put them on the air, as long as they are looney tunes and entertaining.
- Get a voice coach. You will be yelling a lot and talking at an uncomfortably loud tone all the time. Speaking at high volume is a proven method of demonstrating and proving the validity of one’s argument. Therefore, you better have the vocal chops to keep up with the bookings and live appearances.
- Build an entourage. It does not matter if they are totally incompetent, drunk or malicious. The bigger the collection of groupies and fans, the more you demonstrate the enormity of your wisdom and expertise.
- Debate credible experts more famous than yourself. By getting into fierce verbal fisticuffs with highly credentialed and well respected individuals, you exponentially acquire greater credibility through association. The best forums are TV talk shows or news interviews that can be quickly clipped and sent across all social media channels to your followers confirming your position as an expert.
- Get good-looking yet absurdly posed semi-professional photographs of yourself and plaster them across the Internet as proof that you are attractive, approachable and TV friendly expert of said topic. If you happen to be ugly, sorry, you are out of luck.
- Get published in a respected journal or newspaper. It is best if it is a prominently placed opinion piece that effectively acts as an infomercial for your book, movie or other medium which you use as the cash cow to peddle your expertise.
So do not wait! Go out into the world, offline, online, virtual or otherwise, and take hold of the fame and glamour that is awaiting you. Then you can be one of the elite and admired Internet glitterati and a notable expert of your chosen field.
* Disclaimer: this post makes no actual claims that any of the above steps will guarantee that you achieve fame or success. And if you are actually using this advice, you are obviously not getting the joke.
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