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A Modest Proposal: Remove All Women From Startups

“It is a melancholy object to those who walk through”[1] the Silicon Valley or other tech hubs to see women who are slaves to their startups so unhappy, because in addition to tending to their startups, they  are overwhelmed with having to tend to their household, their children, and their 2.5 dogs.  Yet, we’re faced with the utmost problem of the times – how to achieve gender equality in the tech startup world while balancing the happiness of the minority of women who are sacrificed for this noble goal.  Afterall, it is a universal truth that women don’t want to run startups, because they’d rather have children.

Yet, without these brave women who are running their tech startups begrudgingly, we would not be anywhere near achieving gender equality amongst tech startup founders and early employees.  So, we certainly cannot replace these women with their male counterparts, even though it would free women to bear and raise all the children they like.  

“I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration”[1] that we replace female founders with their children.  In this land of innovation, I find it shameful that no one has proposed my solution before, and this solution will ameliorate the gender-disparity problem for the following reasons:

1) Gender balance amongst children in the United States of America is approximately 50-50.  In other countries, where there may actually be gender disparity amongst children, this solution will not work.  This means that if we put every child of a female entrepreneur to work and fire all other employees at the startup, we should see gender balance in the tech-startup world immediately.  

2) This solution would cut costs.  I assure you – your 3 month old baby who is managing your databases will never ask you for more than your milk.  (Ok, ok, maybe he will cry for a change of diapers too, which may increase your costs slightly).  Your 12 year old may ask you for Zanybandz, but she won’t ask you for a signing bonus.  

3) This offers unique educational opportunities.  There is no school in the world that could offer your child an internship like at your startup.   In fact, parents who are not starting companies would probably even volunteer their kids to your company so that they can pad their resumes enough to get into Stanford.  These parents would even pay you to take their kids as interns, thus increasing the revenues of your startup. This will allow you to cut even more costs (see #2), because you can probably will not need to compensate these kids in any way.

4) But lastly, and most importantly, women can cease this whole feminist charade and just be themselves.  Afterall, it’s already been leaked that women would rather raise children.  While we’re spilling all secrets about women, we should let it be known that women prefer to do all the cooking and all the household chores.  Take it from me – I can speak for my entire gender, since I’m a woman.  Women would prefer to spend all their days doing girly things like talking on the phone the whole day, while browsing dresses on DressMob, while helping a girl friend shop for wedding apparel on Shiny Orb, while doing their nails, while reading Danielle Steel books and watching Real Housewives.  Women do not like playing sports, eating steak, drinking whiskey, using computers, and they most certainly do not like running startups.

“I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country.” [1]  I have no children of my own to run my startup, and none of my friends have children old enough to press distinct keys on a keyboard.  


[1]Thank you to Jonathan Swift for his original Modest Proposal.